WIthout a doubt, I have decided that there are three Great Things that have happened to me thus far in my life: Being born into an amazing family, meeting/marrying Melissa, and contributing to the creation and birth of our amazing son, Joseph James. And underlying everything: Great and supportive friends. I am a very lucky man, indeed. Lucky, and, to be honest, a bit confused. Just when I thought I had my brain wrapped around this whole marriage thing (not an easy task, especially when the likes of me is mixed with a wonderful force of nature like Melissa), here comes Joseph. My partial namesake. A healthy, happy boy. An amazing son through whom I can vicariously live. A reason for being.
To a certain extent, I’ve been able to charm my way through life, but those days are behind me... aren’t they? Please, God, let them be far behind me. I am done with the selfishness and I am thankful! All I want is to be a good husband and father. All I want is to be half the men that my brother and father are. I want to be a role-model of the highest caliber. But wait a minute: Isn’t there anything I NEED? Shouldn’t I need all of these things, like one needs oxygen or love? Or, are my wants and needs the same? Maybe this is what it’s like to Be A Man. I think I’ve finally gotten a good choke-hold on my two main demons – Alcohol abuse and living with Multiple Sclerosis – but they’re not dead yet. These will be things I deal with for the rest of my life and, believe it or not, I am thankful. These challenges will be on my shoulders forever, keeping me humble and honest. I am fallible. There is no Sun hidden inside of me, casting light on the world and coloring it Joe. Now the Sun is My Son, coloring everything Joseph. Selfishness be damned! I am no longer an island.
But... can’t I play my video games and read my comic books and have a couple of beers without feeling a sharp pang of guilt? Am I so desperate to hold on to my past that I am denying its slow death? Or am I allowed to be young at heart and still be a Good Man? Need or Want? Dramatic or honest?
WHO AM I?
Will my wife love and respect me until the day we die? Will my son look up to me and think I’m strong and cool and fun, all the while respecting the fact that I am his father? Will this stupid, nagging phantom that is MS finally get the better of me?
(I’ll never forget seeing a semi on I-43 proudly proclaiming: “MS Carriers: Delivering Your Future”)
...
As I write this, my son is looking at me with love in his eyes, as if to say “Stop, Dad. Just stop. Mom and I will always love you.”
How could I think otherwise? There is no other shoe and it will not drop.
2 comments:
Joe, you have such a way with words, you and your wife both are blessed with that. Thanks for your entry, that was really amazing. I think that it is actually quite important for us as we become parents to keep parts of ourselves that make us "us". If we abandon all that we were just to become this "parent" then we are cheating ourselves and our children. The difference is finding a balance, while there is nothing wrong with a couple of beers every once in awhile, there would be an issue with going out every night and getting wasted. It is the same with everything else. As long as we don't ignore our committment to our partners and children, we still need something to be just ours. It is what makes us healthy and in the end benefits our family. That is just my thought though, take it for what it is worth! (: Much love...
P.S. I have seen you with your namesake and you are an amazing father in my mind
WOW
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